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Wednesday, October 27, 2004

MICROMINIPENIITUS 



HEAD FOR THE HUMMER DEALER

If you are a guy and your significant other says one of the following to you than you might want to head straight for the HUMMER dealer. Its either that or get a big dog.

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it s cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It ' s OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Monday, October 25, 2004

WORDS 



10 words that should exist

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn
the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,
of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,
reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back
down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection
(lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will
somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for
one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept
onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he
finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling
the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to
resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose
sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want
fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone
number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always
letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even
when you're only six inches away.

Number 1 is my favourite. But there should be a word for idiots with small dicks and big SUV's and/or big dogs. I can't think of one though.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Thursday, October 21, 2004

SUV'S 



It seems as if every second vehicle on the road in Vancouver is a fucking SUV. I was surrounded by the fuckers on my way home tonight. It's like a fence around you. You can't see what's going on ahead of you, behind you or alongside you. And they all have such cutesy names like 4Runner or Trooper or Jimmy or idiot names like Vitara or Escalade or Sportage etc. When they ran out of cute or idiot names they went for letters and numbers like X5 or ML3 or CRV or RAV4 or QX4 and so on. What really amazes me is why people need to drive such monsters downtown. When do they ever use the 4 wheel drives? It's not like it snows much here. Of course there is one thing worse than anything I named so far .. yes .. its the HUMMER. They take up a lane and a half when driving and two parking spots. Last year I even saw a STRETCH HUMMER if you can believe that. It was painted bright yellow and looked for all the world like a schoolbus.


Fucking Stretch Hummer

Somedays I just despair. I mean what is the fucking point of vehicles like these?

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Sunday, October 17, 2004

WORSE THAN IKEA? 



I know, I know. What could be worse than IKEA? Fucking Canadian Tire that's what. No wonder they call it "Crappy Tire"

No, Canadian Tire doesn't just sell tires. It has plumbing, heating, electrical, sporting, camping, fishing, gardening etc etc. Think of a DIY car parts place with a huge hardware and sports added on. I went to the new Canadian Tire on the North Shore. It's fucking gigantic. The people working there are helpful and seem to know their stuff but it was very busy on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

It was madness to even go near the place but I had little choice. SWMBO has decreed we were going and that was that. It took me hours to recover from the ordeal.But I do have some Canadian Tire Money now. I heard there's a pub somewhere in Vancouver that accepts Canadian Tire Money at par. I think I'll try to find it.

I think I prefer IKEA.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Saturday, October 16, 2004

SATURDAY 



Here we are on Saturday morning. I watched a little footy on the box Arsenal don't look as if anyone can beat them. Now its back to finishing (I hope) emptying boxes. This time I will open every box I swear. Not like last time. This time I'll even open the boxes I didn't unpack after the last move 10 years ago. I will really.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

OK THEN 



OK then. Here's the lowdown.

I moved only about 10Km. I still live in Vancouver in beautiful BC. I'm still on the North Shore in the same general part of town. The whole thing has been traumatic in the extreme.

We were in the last place for 10 years or so. You can just imagine the amount of junk we accumulated. Especially considering it was a large house so there was always a place to put things and almost never a pressing need to throw things out.

The new house is about half the size.

Yes the kids are gone and yes we got rid of a lot ( and I mean a lot ) of stuff. But the stuff we moved still wouldn't all really fit into the new place.

So there are boxes all over and it isn't all fun. Over the last few days we are beginning to surface. We took a whole bunch of stuff out into the carport then cleaned up then moved it back again in a more orderly way.

We are using the crawl space, the attic, the carport, the back of the house etc. etc.

We are emptying boxes and putting them away so space is gradually appearing slowly but surely.

We need new storage shelves and bookcases etc (there were lots built in at the old place but not here). After all this I don't think I can face IKEA. It might make me swear.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Friday, October 08, 2004

PARKING 

Parking Note

Found in a parking lot with no cars nearby.

Interesting huh?

Does the writer mean no children in the whole world or is it more personal?

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

HARD 



It's fucking hard posting when you are sitting on a packing box full of books and your computer is balanced on another box ready to fall off if you look at it wrong. My keyboard is balanced on my knee and I don't want to tell you where my mouse is. That's what I mean by "challenged". Yes, I know it sounds PC and that but, fuck, it really is challenging. Long weekend coming up and I am NOT going anywhere. I am staying home to get things in order. FUCKING FLITTING. IT FUCKING SUCKS BIGTIME.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

COMBO 



I am around - kind of.

A combo of things is restricting my activities at the moment.

Moving. Unpacking. Technological issues. Out of town trips. ALL PREFACED BY THE WORD FUCKING.

I haven't left. I'm just challenged in many ways.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

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