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Thursday, September 30, 2004

CHICKEN SOUP 



CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER

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"Sometimes...when I reflect back on all the beer I drink, I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
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"When I read about the evils of drinking...I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
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BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"
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Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.



Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Sunday, September 26, 2004

VIKINGS 



Its back to those damned Viking invaders a thousand years ago. Notice how Mick knows what I am talking about but most of you others don't have a fucking clue (supermum and steve excluded and maybe elspeth). The reference to "moonlight flit is like the "midnight flit" I know and has the same meaning. No, I wasn't running from creditors. I was just moving house. In Yorkshire this is known as flitting.

Its back to those damned Vikings. They left all these words behind. Today in Scandinavia if you are moving house it is "flytta hus". Flytte means to move and hus  means house.

Other than moonlight or midnight flit the usage only seems to have survived in things like " a butterfly flitting from flower to flower. Well I'm no butterfly and I ain't living in no damned flower.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Saturday, September 25, 2004

FLITTED 

I've flitted.

And I still don't want to talk about it.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Friday, September 24, 2004

FLITTING 



I'm flitting and I don't want to talk about it.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

HELP 



OK I know this isn't a technotwat helpline or forum or anything but if somebody knows something about my problem please take pity on me and tell me what you know.

I have a USB mouse (microsoft) with a mind of its own. I am happily mousing around when the little fucker disappears. No. Not the actual mouse in my hand but the pointer thingy on the screen. When it disappears a little icon appears in my system tray which looks like a card with a green curvy arrow apparently meaning "pull out baby". I pull out the USB mouse connection at the back of the computer then plug it back in and my pointer thingy miraculously re-appears and works fine until the next time. WTF is going on? Anyone know? For pity's sake help me. Yes I know it sounds like I'm begging for money on the street and I guess that it isn't far off. I am looking for intellectual coin though.

Could "THE EVIL EMPIRE" aka microsoft be the problem? I am always leary of microsoft things. I figure that anyone who names his company after his dick has to have problems.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

ROADRAGE 



I came close to roadrage today and I wasn't even moving.

On my way to work I pass through one particular set of traffic lights which are activated by buried sensors. There are two lanes. We are not moving. We sit there while the other directions all get at least two cycles of green and we get none.

I am about 4 cars back from the lights. I know what the problem is. I have experienced it before at this very place.

The sensors are buried quite close to the stop line. There is one fucking stupid idiot in each lane who has stopped more than 2 carlengths from the stopline so neither of them activate their sensor. Because 90% of the traffic approaching us is turning in front of us we don't get green when they do. We only get green when the sensor detects a car.

Finally I get out of my car. Walk past 4 cars whose drivers are all just sitting there talking on their fucking cell phones, reading the fucking paper, applying fucking makeup etc.. I get to the fucking stupid idiots at the front - both of them are almost 3 carlengths back from the stop line. I persuade the one who speaks some English to pull forward to the fucking line. He thinks I am crazy but does it anyway.

The light turns green before I get back to my car and the fucking idiot behind me is honking his fucking horn and shouting at me. I am very pleased with all this so I smile politely to him while thinking 'YOU CUNT". I pull forward and stop 3 car lengths back from the stopline but the fool in the other lane draws right up to the line and we get green anyway.

I understand roadrage now.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Sunday, September 19, 2004

DESIGN 



Maybe I should say DESiGN FLAW.

I get up. I have my shower. I apply my underarm deodorant. I experience excruciating pain.

I use "Mennen Speedstick" which is a solid affair. Here's the thing though, when it gets worn down almost to the end the plastic thingy which holds it appears. When you rub your armpits with this instead of the smooth glide of deodorant you get the harsh scraping of plastic across this sensitive area. Instant excruciating pain.

DESIGN FLAW? Well maybe not because you can't use the last little bit (its not like toothpaste where you can always get a little bit more). It reminds you in a hurry to get some more because you aren't going to repeat that experience. Maybe it is designed to do exactly that in order to boost sales.

And that brings me to another thing. Why are there about 500 varieties of Mennen Speedstick and why do they all look the same on the outside but are very different on the inside? It takes me half an hour to buy a new one because I want the one I want. I just can't find it. Was that original or original extra or original super or original extra super or original original?

I am reduced to taking the lid off and the little plastic protector thingy and sniffing it in order to get the right one. I am not looking forward to this ordeal. Last time I did it (bought deodorant that is) I attracted several assistants who thought I was some kind of pervert for sniffing different deodorants in the store. Now I can't go there again. I am going to take my old empty (well not really empty but certainly unusable) container with me.

I hope it all goes smoothly.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Friday, September 17, 2004

GOOD V EVIL 



GOOD

ISP Technician

BAD

Computers, Routers, Modems, Hackers and the like.

I have had no Internet connection for a few days now. No welcoming on-line indicator light on my modem. Only flashing send and receive lights but no connection.

Called the ISP, went through all the routine with them. Nothing.

Finally, yesterday, a techie came to the house. Swapped out the modem, no change. Tried another modem. Just the fucking same.

Tested the signal strength - excellent. Scratched his head a lot. Talked to his back up guys a lot.

No one knew what to make of it. This was a new problem. I left him to it.

Half an hour later he emerged - problem fixed.

The explanation. A combination of something with the cable modem and something at the ISP.

He didn't elaborate. I didn't care. I have internet again.

GOOD TRIUMPHS OVER EVIL

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Monday, September 13, 2004

HOMER SIMPSON 






Click Homer to go to the Random Homer Simpson Quote Page.

Please.
Pretty please. O great html monster, allow this poor humble technotwat's wizardry to function.
Just this fucking once or else you fucking ugly monster you I'll come over there and tear your fucking ugly head off and piss down the stump.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Sunday, September 12, 2004

CHIMPANZEES 



No. This has nothing at all to do with chimpanzees.

I just wanted underblog to waste a buch of time reading it.

Why you ask? Well he posted a link to Weboggle on his blog. It is consuming all my free time. I don't have time to go out. He must be paid back. He won't be able to resist reading this when he sees the title.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Saturday, September 11, 2004

JUMPERS 



Now when I say "JUMPERS" it is really short for "By the Lord leaping, thundering, jumping Jesus". Got that?

Well then "JUMPERS"

So I am driving across the Burrard Street Bridge, immediately behind me was a "BIKER" . A big, burly, bearded biker. With a roar he pulled up alongside me, looked me in the eye, pulled into a wheelie then pulled in front of me and then roared off. While he was in front of me I could read the back of his black teeshirt. It read "I wheelie for boobs". So fucking what? DILLIGAF. What did he want? Me to lift my shirt? I'm a guy for fucks sake. JUMPERS.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Friday, September 10, 2004

NIGHTMARE UPDATE 



Two lanes going downtown. Each with a geezer going 1 kph below the speed limit - driving dead level with each other. Clear road in front of them for about 5 k - not a car to be seen. Horrendous backup behind them.

If there were 4 lanes going into downtown it would just be 4 lanes for them to go slow in. FUCKERS.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Thursday, September 09, 2004

FANTASTICAL 



What's the deal? bloggEr, bloggAr, haloscan and blogrolling are all working like a charm. It scares me. It really does.

Fast and no problem.

I must have done something wrong or they are lulling me into a false state of security before they strike. Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after me.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

NIGHTMARE 



It is a fucking nightmare.

Driving to work that is. Summertime is great (mostly) but then comes Labor Day and, immediately afterwards the nightmare begins.

Kids are back to school with idiot parents driving them. Cops are hiding in school zones to enforce the speed limit.

People are back to work but the Japanese tourists are still here. How does that work? Are their holidays different?

The roads going downtown are choked and half (at least) of the so-called drivers cannot fucking drive. Not even to save their miserable lives.

And, on top of it all, the fucking roadworks are still in full swing. Everywhere you want to go the fucking road is dug up and some idiot with a flag says you can't go where you want to. You can't turn if you want to. You have to turn if you want to go straight ahead. And, worst of all, there is no end in sight. They could be doing this until Christmas. How do I work from home?

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

FUN 



Hours of mindless fun.

Just try THIS

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Monday, September 06, 2004

OPERATION INFINITE PURITY 





Shrub's latest attempt to suck up to the " Fundamental Christians"



Yup, looks like its the Democrats to blame again.



President Bush is proud to introduce an ambitious new phase in the fight to preserve all that is decent in America. Conceived and championed by the revered Republican think tank Americans for Purity, "Operation Infinite Purity" is dedicated to the complete eradication of masturbation from American soil by the year 2005.

Check it out here is Shrub's latest lunacy.

Only in America you say. Pity.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat


Sunday, September 05, 2004

GEORGE SAYS 

Genital Washing by George

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Saturday, September 04, 2004

TECHNOTWATTERY 



Last night I had the pleasure of an extended visit from CLF. Maybe, just maybe I have my computer back into some semblance of order.

First of all I was infected with a trojan horse "Backdoor Ranky" and second I was infected with a worm "W32.Spybot.Worm".

How I got infected is a bit of a mystery because I have up-to-date virus protection with Norton anti-virus.

CLF removed them and checked me out with Hijack This.

He pronounced me clean and fit to consort with the internet masses once again when I was attacked again by the same 2 bad thingies but Norton caught them and didn't let them in. CLF couldn't understand how they got in in the first place. Neither could I, but then I don't really expect to understand computer magic anyway. But what the fuck is the point of having a fucking anti-virus bad thingy stopper if the fucker doesn't stop them?

Fucking Trojan Horses. Fucking Worms. Fucking Norton. Fucking computers.

CLF then decided to check out my "vulnerabilities". He went to a website called Shields Up which lets you check what other computers see when they try to get into your computer.

All was mostly well except that I apparently had port 80 open and this is asking for trouble. Even CLF couldn't close the port. Apparently it is some sort of bug with the fucking router. The router maker - Linksys knows about the bug but haven't yet fixed it. Fucking Linksys.

So here is what CLF did:
  1. Installed a free software firewall (Zone Alarm) to "make me stealthy" and "provide another layer of protection"
  2. Changed the open port from 80 to some other number which intruders are "less likely to probe"
  3. Forwarded the open port to a "non-existent address"
I hope you can understand that. I can't, not really but that's what CLF's are for isn't it?

If I'm missing in action you'll know why.

I think I'll go and wash my genitals now.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Thursday, September 02, 2004

WASHROOM SIGN 



OK then.

Does your local Burger King have a sign like this in the washroom?

Wash Your Genitals

If not. Why not?

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

IT'S A .... 



Mystery Painting

It's a painting by "An artistic pioneer, pushing the envelope -- bold & unique!"

It has been ~ Banned by eBay ~

It's a
.
.
.
.
.

Vagina Painting


Some of you sure do know your vaginas.

For more info and more body paintings you can go to J's website.

The process, in the words of the artist, is
I use pre-primed canvas panels and acrylic paints. Lying on my back and using brushes of different sizes, I apply the paint around my shaved vagina and onto my inner thighs in whatever pattern and colors strike me. Once I get the paint on the way I like it, I lift my legs up and spread them open as wide as I can. Then I press the canvas panel against my vagina and the painted area around it, transferring the paint to the canvas.


Your Pal

Haddocktwat

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