Wednesday, June 30, 2004



O Canada!
Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.

With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free!

From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

God keep our land glorious and free!
O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.

O Canada, we stand on guard for thee.


Yup. July 1st is Canada Day .Until 1982, July 1st was known as Dominion Day, and some places (and people) in Canada still prefer to call the holiday Dominion Day, so if you hear either Canada Day or Dominion Day they are still talking about Canada's Birthday, July 1st. Not to be confused with July 4th - the rebels picnic - which is celebrated by our neighbour to the south.

Have a great Canada Day

Waving Canadian Flag

Your Pal


Tuesday, June 29, 2004


The NEWS is out.

Make sure your sound is turned on. You may well be amazed.

Your Pal


Sunday, June 27, 2004


Tomorrow is election day in Canada. General Election that is. The choice, as always, is abysmal. It always seems to come down to the "least worst"

FUCKERS the lot of them.

Still and all, this election day might be a little more interesting than most. For those of you across the pond please realize that there are a whole bunch of time zones across Canada. The time difference from East to West is 4 and a half hours. When the polls close in Newfoundland they will still be open for 4 and a half hours in British Columbia.

Because the most populous parts of the country are in Quebec and Ontario (and they have the most seats) it often means the election result is settled 3 hours before the polls close in BC.

Not so this time. It is a close race and BC may even have the decisive vote for the first time in 25 or 30 years. People are fairly weird out here in lotusland so anything is possible. I don't have a great interest in politics because I feel they are all bastards whatever they say. FUCKERS the lot of them.

Still the theatre may be interesting tomorrow. Take a peek on Canada.com if you are at all interested. The ultra-right "New Conservatives" are very scary, Steven Harper is like a cross between George Bush (W that is) and Adolf Hitler. The Bloc Quebecois want to split up the country (Quebec secede from Confederation). The "Liberals" are pretty conservative really, the NDP (New Democratic Party - left leaning) don't have a chance and the Green Party has even less. I don't know if the Rhinoceros Party are fielding any candidates this time or the Natural Law aka "Yogic Flying" Party.

Since the election may well be decided in BC I have sent all the party leaders my "Fertilizer of the Month" letter. I want to see just how far they will go to get votes.

The first party leader to shit on my front lawn gets my vote.


Your Pal



All this chatter about if piss is good for a lawn or if it causes brown burn spots got me thinking. I don't usually pass on chain letters but this one may be worthwhile.

Fertilizer of the Month Club

Dear Sir/Madam:

This letter is being sent to you as we know that you are interested in your lawn. The summer season is now upon us. This is a fertilizer club and it will not cost you one cent to join.

Upon receiving this letter go to the house on the top of the list and shit on the front lawn. You will not be the only one there so don't be embarassed. Then remove the top name, add your name to the bottom of the list, make 5 copies of the revised letter and send that to 5 friends.

You will not get any money or cheques., but within 1 week -- if this chain is not broken -- there will be 9216 people shitting on your lawn. You reward will come next year when you will have the greenest lawn in the neighbourhood.

Here is the list of fellow shits:

Mrs. Harry Butt
234 Corn Cob Alley

Mr. A. Bigger Movement
96 rectum Rd.

Mrs Lucy Bowels
29 Bed Pan Court

Mr. G. Howie Farts
733 Fartilizer St.

Mr. Smelly B. Hind
276 Diarrhea Way

Mr. Charles Syringe
5 Suppository Lane

Mrs. Opal Crap
1244 Enema Drive

Mr & Mrs Took A Fixit
276 Running Loose Lane

PS. If you are constipated pass ths along to you neighbor. Do not break the chain. One man didn't give a shit and lost his entire lawn.

Your Pal


Wednesday, June 23, 2004



Guess I fucked this one up. I could always change my name and start again.

Your Pal


Sunday, June 20, 2004


Wanna get pissed quicker? Try Bottle Blaster. Check the movies out.

Chugalug a bottle of beer in no time.

"I am here to offer a testimonial from myself, a satisf...satisf...buurrrrpppp...satisfied customer of BottleBlaster. The price of the BottleBlaster was certainly reasonable, but Jeezus...my beer budget has tripled !! The water bill has likewise tripled from the extra-ordinary flushes of the toilet...I'm going to start peeing in the woods behind the house...and my kidneys are aching. But other than those really minor annoyances, I love the thing. Cheers to yah!!"
-Jerry P., , Wickford RI

"[This thing is] the downfall of the American Empire."
-Some guy in a chat room

Your Pal


Friday, June 18, 2004


"The sun is shining on both sides of the street."

Listen here

No it isn't. Its 10:30pm the sun has gone down and I am pissed.

Oh dear.

Your Pal


Monday, June 14, 2004


Man are there some weird websites out there or what? Save the Humans is one of them. Check out this recipe for Baked Feminist Head with White Wine and Country Vegetables in the Creative Recipes for the Socially-Conscious Cannibal section. I am not sure what to think. Jason Roth seems to be kinda wild. Comments?

Your Pal



Sven says: "What do you say to Gerrard, 'don't pass back,'? What do you say to David Beckham? 'Put the penalty in the other corner.' ?"

Methinks Sven is learning the English tradition

Your Pal


Sunday, June 13, 2004


Just because I have a new and much faster computer doesn't mean it works any faster. Fucking Haloscan is still Fucking Haloscan.

After a computerless week or more I feel very out of touch. So, to remedy that, I have blogsurfing like mad. Trouble is that the comments and interplay are often the best part and "Fucking Haloscan is still Fucking Haloscan."

Haloscan isn't slow it is FUCKING GLACIAL. Trying to read the comment is bad enough, trying to post a comment is ...well ... trying.

I'm training for THE GAME. Beer drinking and crisp eating has commenced. Yes, it is live in Canada. Yes I will watch it live. Yes I told Zoe to tape it - better than not seeing it at all.

Your Pal


Friday, June 11, 2004


After many trials and tribulations which would have converted any normal person into a gibbering idiot I am back. When you start as a HADDOCKTWAT I don't know what you convert to. No doubt we shall see.

I am now the proud possessor of a "new" (to me anyway) functioning computing machine. I am also fucking worn out with the effort. I am sure that it would be much less trying if money wasn't an issue. If I could just waltz into Joe's Computer Sales and say "I'll take a top of the line thing with all the extra thingies and money is no object". It doesn't seem to work quite so easily when money is a concern.

Luckily (or unluckily) I have these CLF's (Computer Literate Friends). They know by some mysterious process all the odd bits of computers available around here.. They also "know" that if you add this to that it will work. Make that "It ought to work". When it doesn't work they actually are happy and enjoy making it work. "Well maybe it will work if we get a new widget from Fred" and so on and so on.

All I wanted was a computer that worked for fucks sake. I think they wanted a new computer club challenge or something.. They were even going to put all the new thingies into the same box! Come on! How would I know I even had a new computer if it looked the same outside? I went the extra yard and got a new box. Its bigger and uglier than the old one but meets with CLF's approval because "it has a big power supply and lots of room for expansion". Read my lips buddy I am not expanding. I am not going through this again. They (the CLF's) actually enjoy this. Can you believe that?

For the technologically minded ones among you I now own a P3 866 overclocked to run at 1026 (or something like that), 96 Meg RAM, 6 Gig hard drive, CD/DVD reader (no burner) running windows 2000 bootleg professional. There is also some nonsense about something called a frontside bus but it is beyond my comprehension at this time (probably for all time).

I am too tired to fucking swear.

Your Pal


Sunday, June 06, 2004

Soon I'll have a new machine

Lean mean computing machine that is. For an added bonus it will work. The fucking hard drive will not fucking crash. The fucking machine will not eat all my stuff.

Your Pal


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