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Sunday, May 30, 2004

HOCKEY NIGHT IN CANADA 

Hockey is Canada's sport. The Stanley Cup is the big prize (named after its donor Lord Stanley of Preston)

Canadians are passionate about hockey but Americans (with Canadian players) are taking over the sport.

This years final is underway. It is between Calgary and San Jose. The first time in 10 years there has been a Canadian team in the final. Does this remind anyone about England and Soccer?

The good thing is the Calgary fans celebrations. Especially the female fans. It's like Mardi Gras. Take a look at the topless fans celebrating. Or try this blog aptly named AmericanEvil

Wild times in Calgary

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Teaching vs Educating 

This is for all you teachers/educators.

According to a news report, a certain school was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the janitor would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the janitor.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the janitor who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the janitor to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.


There are teachers, and then there are educators.


Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Monday, May 24, 2004

FUCKING HALOSCAN 

Is it me or is it FUCKING HALOSCAN?

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Sunday, May 23, 2004

FINGER 

I found this somewhere and thought that you might enjoy it or even find use for it.

....................../´¯/)
....................,/¯../
.................../..../
............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯` ¸
........../'/.../..../......./ยจ¯\
........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')
.........\.................'...../
..........''...\.......... _. ´
............\..............(
..............\.............\...

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Saturday, May 22, 2004

ADDICTION 

I am exploring the depth of my blogging addiction.

I haven't posted a blog for 2 days but I couldn't hold out any longer. Even in those 2 days I was avidly reading and commenting.

Is blogging worse than crack?

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Thursday, May 20, 2004

THE SOLUTION 

Hmmmmmmm. That may be the solution. (Don't fuck with html.)

Hmmmmmmmmmmm. Could the world exist without html? (I think so.)

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Would the world be a better place without html?(I am sure so.)

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

MY PRAYERS ANSWERED 

html did not fuck with me today.Of course it is also true that I didn't fuck with html today so it didn't have a chance to bite my arse.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

MY PRAYER 

O great god of html.

Please don't fuck with me today.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

SUBSEARCH 

Anyone heard of it? I fucking well have.Anyone know what it is? Now I fucking well do.

SubSearch is a fucking parasite. I first noticed something strange when using Google. There was a sidebar with vaguely strange, almost matching search results. It wasn't there in Mozilla, only in IE. I called my computer literate friend. The usual fucking hysterical laughter followed.

CLF (Computer Literate Friend)"You have some spyware or malware or adware or something like it. You had better get rid of it"
HT (That's me Haddocktwat)"Right. But how?"
CLF"Run a HijackThis log and send it to me"
HT "Right. But what's that?"
CLF "Fuck"
HT "Fuck"
CLF "Download HijackThis. Run it. Save the log. E-mail it to me"
HT "Fuck"
HT "Double and Triple FUCK"

I did it and sent the log thingy which lists stuff that is "active" on your computer. So my CLF calls me.

CLF "Do you want the good news or the bad news"
HT "Both"
CLF "Which would you like to hear first"
HT "I don't give a Philadelphia Flying Fuck. Just tell me"
CLF "Well ... the bad news is that your computer is infected with a parasite called SubSearch and the good news is that your computer is infected with a parasite called SubSearch"
HT "What the fuck"
CLF "Well ... it's bad news that you are infected but it is good news that we know what it is"
HT "FUCK ME SILLY"
CLF "No thanks. I'm not that silly"
HT "What do we do"
CLF "What's this we?'
HT "Ohhhhhhh FUUUUUUUUUUUCK"
CLF "Just download S&D and get rid of it"
HT "Yeah right"

To make a horribly long story short that is exactly what I did. First with Spybot Search and Destroy then with Ad-Aware then with Spy Sweeper. They did the job. Many thanks to the dedicated people who develop such useful tools. You saved me from a new computer monster.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

ALMOST RECOVERED 

I have almost recovered from my exertions. Gathering my courage and strength to tackle the next challenge. There always seems one more mountain to climb. But you have to get out of bed first. That is the real challenge.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Sunday, May 16, 2004

STRUGGLING 

I have been struggling for the past few days. Thank god the lizards are gone though. (I left the code in the template and used my newfound skills to"comment it out")

A few days ago I had the bright idea to post a picture of an html monster. Little did I realize the complexity of this apparently simple task. I googled around and found a good monster image, right on the first page. So far so good.I used my skills to link to it in my post but there was, of course a problem with the image. Well not really with the image but with the fact that I had stupidly used my newfound skill to change the color of my blog background from white to blue. This wasn't what I had in mind at all. I wanted the monster to be part of the post not fucking surrounded by fucking white space. fucking html monster

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. What to do?

So I started reading and found out that I needed to make the image background transparent and that I needed a decent program like CorelPaint or PaintShop to do it. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK

Well then I talked to some computer-literate friends and soon had both Paint programs loaded on my computer. The help menu told me what to do and I did it. I imported the JPG image and I resaved it as a GIF with a transparent background. I cheered and had a drink to celebrate. Too fucking soon of course.

NOW WHAT? HOW DO I GET THE FUCKING IMAGE ON MY BLOGGER POST?

More consultation with hysterical computer-literate friends. "Post it on your website and link to it" they said as though it was obvious. "I don't have a website' I said. More hysterical laughter from my so-called friends. FUCKERS. Why is it that it is so easy for some and so difficult for others? It's not that I am stupid. It's just that I am a technotwat. FUCKERS.

"Get a free website" was the advice. "Oh fuck" was my response. But I bravely googled it. I bravely chose one and filled in the form and submitted it. "Your information will be in the e-mail we are sending to you" they said. They lied of course. I never got an e-mail from the bastards. I waited for 2 days but no e-mail. So I tried another one. They sent an e-mail. I set up an account and had my very own personal website. But I couldn't "upload" my monster image. It didn't matter what I did I couldn't upload it.DOUBLE FUCKERS OK then you fuckers I don't give up so easily. Finally Lycos Tripod UK came through. I set up the webpage. Uploaded the file and linked to it. With the following result .

Now that was what I was trying to do.

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HARD? IS IT JUST ME? I am fucking exhausted.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Friday, May 14, 2004

BLOOD, TOIL, TEARS AND SWEAT 

Well, I have to tell you, it's been tough. In fact it still is. Some days are tougher than others. I am starting to get a vague understanding of how fucking html and the dreaded fucking template work. I have bravely attacked the fuckers as though I were St. George slaying the dragon I have even occasionally triumphed, at least temporarily. I continue to have this lingering fear that the fucker will bite me in (don't click this link if you are of a sensitive disposition) my arse when I least expect it.

What I hadn't counted on when I started was the complexity of it all. It all, even fucking html seemed so simple at the start. The siren call of blogger etc was so seductive. I was a poor blogging virgin and succumbed without a fight. Once you start you are hooked. Once you are hooked there is no escape. I have heard the saying "when rape is inevitable relax and enjoy it"(I shouldn't repeat such sayings , bad things might happen). Now I know what they mean. I have been well and truly fucked by the html monster and against my will. I am thinking about going on a speaking tour.

Even this post is scary. I am writing it in WordPad, saving as I go so as not to lose a single precious word. A month ago I couldn't have imagined this. I scoffed when several of you suggested this route after I fucked up yet another post or comment. I have even gone so far as to save a copy of the fucking template as a text file."Just in case". "You never know" etc. Well I do know one thing - fucking blogger, w.bloggar, haloscan, blogrolling and their ilk have no mercy. They will destroy your words without remorse. When they have finished with you it's as though your words never even existed. Fuckers.

My recent "proficiency" has come at a considerable cost in blood, toil, tears and sweat. The question of its ultimate worth it remains unanswered. More of this later.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Thursday, May 13, 2004

HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM 


Well then. Which is it? Fucking htfuckingml or one of the other ones?

One of the fuckers is attacking.

I will survive. I am an old hand now. More than 1 month blogging and the same amount of time fighting the fuckers.

There is no html monster under the bed. There is no html monster under the bed. There is no html monster under the bed.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

html monster 





Poor Little Haddocktwathtml monster



I'm gonna eat you little fishy.

STILL HERE 


Today is my one month blogging anniversary. I never thought I would get this far and I am tempted to quit while I am ahead. Well... I think I am ahead. I did change colors yesterday and I think it has been successful. So that makes me think I am ahead. Just because I am ahead for now (if I really am) doesn't mean I can beat fucking html over the long haul though. The pigging thing will lie in wait and ambush me when I least expect it. I live in constant fear of html.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

YES I DID 


Mess with the fucking template that is. I was tired of the whiter than white white and sick of the babyshit orange.

In truth I have been sick of the colors from the very beginning but have been too terrified by the fucking template to attempt any surgical changes. Now I have done it.

I am a little apprehensive of what I have done. Before you ask. Yes, that is a euphemism for scared fucking shitless.

I am not sure I like these colors either but if I can do it once then I can do it twice - no?

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Monday, May 10, 2004

"LE" OU "LA" ? 


A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" is feminine -- "la maison." "Pencil" is masculine -- "le crayon."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups -- male and female and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for immediate retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(No chuckling guys—this gets better!!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Waht do you think?

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Sunday, May 09, 2004

TWALLOCK 


Long, long ago in my misbegotten youth we used to rejoice in using words such as twallock. Those of you (and I think that is probably most of you) familiar with the word twunt may easily understand twallock. Here's the strange thing though. I went to Urban Dictionary and they had no entry for twallock. Well they do now, twallock is now enshrined, courtesy of yours truly.

Does that mean I am now famous?

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

NEW BLOGGER 


I hear rumors that the blogger thingy has a new look. Now I am using the w.bloggar thingy I don't notice any changes. Should I care? Somebody help me please.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Saturday, May 08, 2004

PEACEFUL DAY 


  1. No html fuckups
  2. No haloscan fuckups
  3. No w.bloggar fuckups


Bliss. Sheer fucking bliss.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Friday, May 07, 2004

CLEANING UP MY ACT 


I've been trying to clean up my act recently. Hence MrT's confusion when I manage to get through a post mentioning the dreaded html without swearing. But when motherfucking html, cocksucking haloscan and the rest of their vile army attack me my blood begins to boil. I am easily reduced to swearing when fucking html is involved.

Some days I feel more like a fishfinger than a Haddocktwat.Oh well TGIF.

For those of you who like recipes here is one for a fishfinger buttie I wonder if you could substitute haddocktwat for fishfinger?.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Thursday, May 06, 2004

I LOVE HTML 


Actually I fucking hate fucking html.

I just wanted to wind you all up. Also I hate fucking haloscan and fucking w.bloggar.

Why does haloscan let you send comments into the ether to disappear forever when they are doing server maintenance? Why can't they just say "Don't be a twat and comment while we are fixing our server" or "If you persist in being a twat trying to comment when we are fixing our server you will lose everything as you so richly deserve."

Don't these people know they are dealing with technotwats? What is wrong with them? I wrote some really nice stuff to MrT yesterday and haloscan ate it (twice - yes I know I was stupid to try twice when it ate the first one but who was to know?). By the time haloscan was working again I had forgotten all the wonderful things I said. Yes I know I could have written it in notepad (if I could have found wherever notepad was hiding) and saved it. BUT THAT ISN'T THE FUCKING POINT. The point is that that the twunts who write the code should have more consideration for the users. If there is a wrong and stupid way I will find it. The first time I use anything I will find it. I seem to have this unerringly skillful knack of going for the weak spot. If there is a way to fuck up posting I will find it and I will flawlessly execute the fuck up.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

BLOG FEVER? 


So (have you ever noticed how many people begin their blog posts with "so") do I have blog fever? I think I do. Not that I have been posting much but boy have I been reading and commenting.

So (same comment as before) I do think I have been bitten by the blogbug. I am just scared (with good reason) of HTML and w.bloggar. In my travels I think I may have discovered a partial solution - with much help from Lissa. "HTML for kids!" It is a bit above my intellectual level but I am trying hard.
Hello, and welcome to Lissa Explains it All, the first and original HTML Help JUST for Kids. Lissa Explains it All is a colorful and fun approach to learning HTML for Kids and the young at heart. With this tutorial, kids and beginners learn step by step how to make their own Web page and publish it on the WWW.

Perhaps there is hope for a technotwat like me?

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Monday, May 03, 2004

ONLY IN THE US 

Congressman Doug Ose is a fucking hypocritical motherfucking, cocksucking, asshole piece of shit and I wouldn't piss on the cunt if he was on fire. I think that about says it all. Ose is proud of himself for introducing US legislation to ban certain "profane" words on the US airwaves. Bill H.R. 3687 makes it an offence to use profanity on US broadcasts.

" What is profanity?" you may well ask. The good senator defines it thusly:

`(b) As used in this section, the term `profane', used with respect to language, includes the words `shit', `piss', `fuck', `cunt', `asshole', and the phrases `cock sucker', `mother fucker', and `ass hole', compound use (including hyphenated compounds) of such words and phrases with each other or with other words or phrases, and other grammatical forms of such words and phrases (including verb, adjective, gerund, participle, and infinitive forms).'

I googled "H. R. 3687" and got 584 hits.

I wonder if he had to read out the bill in the senate? Wouldn't that have been fun? How weird can they get in the US? I mean violence is OK as far as they are concerned. Pictures of people killing other people are OK. Pictures of people torturing other people are OK. Pictures of dead or dying Princesses are OK. But just say the word piss on the airwaves and its a US$500,000 fine.

There are loopholes though, they don't mention twat or twunt.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Sunday, May 02, 2004

THIS MEANS WAR 


I haven't posted for a couple of days. You may wonder why. I have my reasons. More on this later.

I intended to post earlier today. I had the post 75% complete when the fucking w.bloggar thingy ate my post and closed its fucking stupid fucking self down. Of course I don't have a fucking clue what I did wrong. Of course I hadn't saved the fucking post. Of course I fucking swore. Of course I walked away from my fucking computer in disgust.

It's not me, it's the fucking technology. Lets, just for the sake of argument, say I inadvertently hit some key or combination which caused fucking w.bloggar to want to close. Shouldn't the fucking program at least have the decency to ask me if I really wanted to do that and by the way if you really do want to close would you like to save your post? Is that so fucking unreasonable? Whoever wrote the code should have planned to be dealing with useless technotwats like me. Every other fucking program asks you these things as a matter of course. Not fucking w.bloggar. No fucking way, w.bloggar just eats your three quarter completed amazing masterpiece post and fucking shuts down. Fucker.

I may, tomorrow or later today have the energy to try to recreate the saga relating my latest victory over html, provisionally entitled "TECHNOTWAT TRIUMPHS". It somehow seems like a hollow victory now after being completely vanquished by the new enemy.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

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