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Thursday, April 29, 2004

THE WOGGLERS MOOLY 

Rambling Sid Rumpo



THE BALLAD OF THE WOGGLER'S MOOLY
(Kenneth Williams)

Announcer:
Before the days of newspapers, the events of the day were retailed by the street ballad singers. And here to sing one such eighteenth-century ditty, The Ballad of the Woggler's Mooly, is Rambling Sid Rumpo. Now, what exactly is a woggler's mooly?

Ramblin' Syd:
Well, a mooly is a sort of smoked cuttlefish of the whelk family, or a brother-in-law you might say.

Announcer:
Yes.

Ramblin' Syd:
And they were considered a great delicacy in those days. And of course they had to be woggled before you could eat 'em.

Announcer:
Yes, of course. Nowadays you can get them frozen and pre-woggled, but they don't taste the same, do they?

Ramblin' Syd:
No, no. Now this is a sad story that first appeared in 1738 on a broadsheet, and I've set it to a tune of that time which I found in my ganderbag covered in loom powder and fish paste.

Announcer:
Fish paste. Yes, what exactly is loom powder?

Ramblin' Syd:
If I started explaining that, we'd be here all night. Now, so to the song.

Joe, he was a young cordwangler,
Munging greebles he did go,
And he loved a bogler's daughter
By the name of Chiswick Flo.

Vain she was and like a grusset
Though her gander parts were fine,
But she sneered at his cordwangle
As it hung upon the line.

So he stole a woggler's mooly
For to make a wedding ring,
But the Bow Street Runners caught him
And the judge said "He will swing."

Oh, they hung him by the postern,
Nailed his mooly to the fence
For to warn all young cordwanglers
That it was a grave offence.

There's a moral to this story,
Though your cordwangle be poor,
Keep your hands off other's moolies,
For it is against the law.

I am disappointed (you know who you are). How could you doubt the existence of such a talent?

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

RAMBLING SID RUMPO REVIVAL 


Sid along with Julian and Sandy, Dame Celia Molestrangler and J. Peasmold Gruntfuttock have been performing at The Venue, Leicester Square. Here are the details. I don't know if the show is still running, London is too far for me to travel from the west coast of Canada. But, what an opportunity for the Rambling Sid fans living near London.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

RAMBLING SID RUMPO 


I was just visiting Babs and came across that most fantastic song "The Ballad of The Woggler's Mooly" by the suspect folksinger Rambling Sid Rumpo.

That brings back fond memories indeed. My favorite song by that most suspect of all folk singers is the justly famous "D'ye ken Jim Pubes? " . I reproduce it in its glorious entirety below for your enjoyment.

D'ye ken Jim Pubes with his splod so bright,
As he traddles his nadger in the bright moonlight?
He wurdles his posset all through the night,
But he can't turn it off in the morning.

Oh the sound of his groat threw me from my bed,
As he blew up his mooly fit to waken the dead,
Oh the noise of his grunge nearly blew off me head,
And removed all the paint from the awning.

D'ye ken Jim Pubes? Now his splod's turned white,
And his nadger's been struck with an awful blight,
And he can't find his posset without a light,
And he can't turn it on in the morning.

Oh his poor old groat, it has sprung a leak,
And the sound of his mooly's reduced to a squeak:
Though he blows and he blows till he's blue in the eek,
We'll no more hear him grunge in the mor-or-or-orning.


Thanks for the memories babs. You can find other 60's oddities here

Your Pal

Haddocktwat


HTML WARRIORS 


MrTeacher, JonnyB, zed, HR Lady, scary mama and especially Mick in the UK I love you all. I think I will remain a technotwat until I die but with a little help from my friends I will survive. I hope so anyway. I am still wondering about the panda though.

Perhaps we have won this battle but who is winning the war?

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

THE FUCKING TEMPLATE 



Well perhaps, just perhaps, it was me. Although I had help from the wonderful ways of HTML. I have got it working in Mozilla again (I think).

Hoo-fucking-ray.

I have scanned the fucking template code until I almost went blind. Discovered that I had unclosed fucking html tags in the sidebar. They were to do with unordered list and list. I had <li> but not </li> similarly with ul. I don't know where they went but they weren't there.

With great fear and trepidation I added the missing closing tags, or at least as many as I could find, and hit the scary publish button in the w.blogger thingy.

It might work now. I don't really know. Its like black magic. I'm not sure if I got my spell right.

Someone let me know please. I feel like a right twunt.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

ANOTHER SCARY HTML EXPERIENCE 


So I was at a buddies house and I checked out my blog on his machine.

I could see no sidebar!!! The fucking sidebar had fucking disappeared.

I whispered gently "MOTHERFUCKING HTML HAS FUCKING FUCKED ME AGAIN." His wife, kids and cats all cringed and ran from the room. I don't know why.

I quickly clicked on view source to check the template. It was about then that I realized I didn't have a fucking clue what I was looking for. That's the problem with having a little knowledge. You can get into trouble. Deep trouble. Quickly.

With a sinking stomach I knew I was deep in shit. But all the code for the sidebar was there! Then I knew I was really deep in the shit with little or no chance of getting out.

I went back to the webpage, hoping the sidebar had magically reappeared. Of course it hadn't. FUCK FUCK DOUBLE FUCK.

Accidentally I ended up at the bottom of the page and there it was. THE FUCKING SIDEBAR WAS AT THE BOTTOM.After much anguish I realized he had set a bigger font and somehow this had changed my sidebar to a fucking bottom sidebar. When I reduced his font size my sidebar was back where it belonged.

I think I may have said it before but "FUCKING HTML FUCKING SUCKS"

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Monday, April 26, 2004

The Wisdom of Will Rogers 

The Wisdom of Will Rogers

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the
greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following quotes
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it
back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men
The ones who learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them who have to pee on the electric fence.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make
sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. AND FINALLY: After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started
roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral When
you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Sunday, April 25, 2004

TRAVEL HINTS AND TIPS 


If you MUST fly on budget-type airlines please observe the following safety precautions:




Not that they actually serve food on budget-type airlines but this helpful hint was passed on to me by the "fabulous" flight attendant "Patty" and I thought you might find it useful.

I don't know what to think. This whole thing confuses me. The prize comment of the trip was the first in-flight announcement:
"For those of you travelling with infants or small children ........you have our deepest sympathy"

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Thursday, April 22, 2004

POLITICAL BLOGS 

Can't stand 'em. Full of pretentious shit. Just like politicians. Is there no way to ban these people from the world? They are a blight on the blogging world.

The newspapers are full of this shit too.

Un-fucking-believable. There should be a "special place" for them to live. Far away from normal people.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

THE REALLY BIG BUTTON THAT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING 


There are some really strange things out there on the net



THE REALLY BIG BUTTON THAT DOESN'T DO ANYTHING is one of the best.

Is that cool or what? The html code is also cool, the link self-references.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

DONT DISTURB ME 


I'm disturbed enough already.

Today I am spending my spare time, if I have any reading bloggerforum where I can already see many helpful hints for newbie bloggers like myself.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

WELL THEN 


It is starting to look as if the technical aspects of blogging are being slowly beaten into the ground. This technocrap has been occupying too much of my time.

I have still been trolling around and checking out various blogs and making the odd comment here and there. Now to get a little more serious about things.

They do say that "pride goeth before a fall" or something like that so I am sure I am headed for a dandy fall. Any second now probably.


Your Pal


Haddocktwat

Monday, April 19, 2004

DREADED TEMPLATE 


OK so I added a button for w.bloggar
I did it using w.bloggar and I think it worked.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

MORE TESTING 


This is my other computer.

So I had to re-download the program and re-test

Here goes nothing! "Post and Publish" Shit or bust.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

BUGGER ME 


It works

Why did I resist?

Why didn't I listen to my friends?

Why am I such a stubborn prick?

Please note: the last question was purely rhetorical.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

NOT TOO BAD 


I needed a space between the title and the post. I also took a half measure in only clicking the "post" button and then going into blogger to check it out and then publishing.

This time I am going to be brave and hit the "post and publish" button

Here goes

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

W.BLOGGAR THINGY 

This is my test of the w.bloggar thingy So far so good, I think.

The preview thingy is nice. It allows you to see your mistakes before anyone else.

Now what? Should I copy this first? Or perhaps save it somewhere. A precautionary measure against a possible screw up?

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Sunday, April 18, 2004

BAD TAGS MY ARSE

OK so what is the difference between this and this

Or between this and this

Spotted it have you? No I didn't think so because they look identical. But deep down there is a difference. You see, dear reader, this is an example of bad tags while this is an example of perfection. Now have you got it? Not yet? Well its like this, the first is <b>this</b> and the second is <strong>this</strong> .

The first is an example of what htmldog calls " HTML tags of fairytale worlds and prehistoric times. Bad, nasty, downright ugly little things that belong to outdated HTML standards"

I also have been known to use "filthy tags" like <font> and attributes like target_.

Well then. What is an aspiring blogger to do? Use what works however filthy it may be or invest a year or two learning html the "correct way" before posting?

By the way, its not that <b> and <i> are non-compliant. In fact they are "compliant with the latest HTML standards" its just that "they don't apply any meaning to content, which all good tags should. They could be more useful but they aren't particularly harmful' now that is a huge relief. I don't want to offend the html gods lest they wish html plagues on me.

So fuck them* and the CSS horse they rode in on.

* coded using outdated and filthy tags which, to add further insult, are also improperly nested.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Saturday, April 17, 2004

THANK YOU TYKE

Thank you, thank you, thank you to The Tyke for saving me from more potentially huge embarrassment. Just when I was feeling good (or at least not bad) about html code. Guess how I feel now about bloody fucking html code?

Yes, you are right. You must be good at guessing.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Friday, April 16, 2004

HALLELUJAH

Another task completed. Template re-entered. Changes made. Template exited.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

BLOGROLLING THINGY

I have successfully got the blogrolling thingy working. It, like all thingies, involved copying and pasting html code.

I still have to make it look right and add all the blog links. I am getting up the courage to re-enter the template.

Perhaps not tonight.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

TRACKBACK THINGY

Can someone, anyone, tell me what the trackback thingy does. I am infected with it as are many other blogs. Everytime I see it, no matter what the blog, the count is 0. Does anyone ever use it? Is it just wasted valuable space? Can I get rid of it without editing the dread template?

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

IS IT JUST ME?

Just when I think I am getting the hang of things it all turns to shit. Is it just me?

I can't go into details right now, maybe later. Or maybe not. Maybe I'll have a little beer.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Thursday, April 15, 2004

FUCKING HTML CODE

Yes. OK. I did it again. Fucking html coding that is.

Notice
  1. new links side header
  2. actual link
  3. new blog link

Wonder if that list thingy worked or not? YAHOO it did Perhaps fucking html coding is not so fucking fucked(if you know what I mean).

The worst thing was that I put the new blog link in to Freshly Sharpened Pencil. OK. Fine. Then I went to preview and it wasn't there. FUCK I whispered gently, breaking all windows within 25 feet (or about 8 metres if you are a fucking metric idiot). FUCK. FUCK AND DOUBLE FUCK. I painstakingly compared the fucking html code for the link to one in a post that actually worked. Identical (or so I thought at the time) I compared it to another link that worked (syntax identical, or so I thought at the time). I deleted it and retyped it. Guess what? It still didn't fucking work.

Ten minutes later I found that I had entered an extra > (note how I got the > to show up without an html code error. Another 15 minutes of HELL Try to do it and you too will suffer the fires of HELL). I removed the offending > and guess what? ITFUCKINGWORKEDYESITDID. WHOO HOO.

Sure html code gets easier, sure it does. I have to believe that or I would quit now. Or perhaps I should check out this blogroller thingy.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

THANK YOU PENCIL

After hours of endless surfing with only minor gratification I stumbled on a real gem. Freshly Sharpened Pencil asks the question "What's a twunt?". Seven, count them seven definitions are provided by Urban Dictionary. Fantastic, bloody fantastic. You can also find 79 definitions of twat. No definitions for haddocktwat. But try haddock pasty. That's close enough isn't it? Especially the second definition.

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

TO BLOG OR NOT TO BLOG

Blogging is kind of fun but it is also very time consuming.

Once you start surfing around different blogs you rapidly notice the huge variety of blogs and start discerning some of the hidden do’s and don’ts of the blogging community. Actually blogging community doesn’t sit right. There are a multitude of blogging communities so far as I can see and I would be surprised if there is much crossover between say Inger’s website or Doris’ Cottage and even something as inoffensive (at least to me) as scareyduck. Today’s Auntie Scary (Wednesday April 14, 2004) discussion of toilet paper is somehow incongruent with fairy stickers and tinkly annoying music.

And while I’m at it these websites that load any music without your permission are very, very fucking annoying indeed. Oh my! Oh dear! I intended to blog today without using the word fucking. As usual I weakened. Just like New Year’s resolutions. Not even weakened just lost my rag. Oh well there’s another day.

I am much calmer today. I didn’t even try to mess with html code.

It’s safer that way.

Your Pal

HADDOCKTWAT

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

I TAKE IT ALL BACK

I take it all back. Well, maybe not quite all of it. I still blame fucking blogger.

I haven't changed my mind
"The reason there are so many putrid crappy blogs out there is simply that fucking blogger has simplified the technology so that even an idiot like me can blog for the world to read."
But yesterday I found it wasn't all quite so easy. If you stick with the basic blogger template it's all easy. But the basic blogger template doesn't have all the bells and whistle.

When you visit some of the blog multitude out there it doesn't take long to get feature envy. By the way feature envy must be related to penis envy. I mean people have all these extra thingies on their blogs. For fucks sake the basic blogger template doesn't even have a way for readers to comment. I mean that's fucking basic. You want to hear what a reader has to say. If nothing else it does let you know that all your ramblings haven't just disappeared into the ether.

So when you find that lots of other blogs comments are provided by Haloscan then it seems easy to just click on the Haloscan button so thoughtfully provided and away you go.

THEY DON'T TELL YOU YOU HAVE TO MESS WITH THE HTML CODE. Sorry for shouting but I was in fact screaming. The rotten bastards suck you in by offering you a template any idiot can use. Thick as two short planks you walk right into it. Then when you want a feature that should be included from the start they start on with "copy this code" and then "paste this code into your template between <head> and </head>".

Have you seen how fucking complicated even an idiots template is?

Then, of course, as expected, it doesn't fucking work. You have done everything they said at great risk to your sanity and it doesn't fucking work.

Now you have to go to the section saying "if it doesn't work do this". It's a pretty telling thing that they have to have such a section isn't it? They know before they start that people are going to get into trouble. They could have made it simpler so that even a techno-idiot like me could have done it right the first time. Oh no, they must get a perverse kind of satisfaction. I bet they even have a thingy to count how many pooor idiots have to go to the "if it doesn't work" section. Then they all laugh like hell when they see the number.

Still and all I did get it working in the end. "Have you pasted the code immediately after <head>? " No I haven't you fucking moron. You said paste it anywhere between the two tags. They could have told me that in the first place but then they wouldn't have anyone to laugh at. So I moved it and it worked. I was rewarded by a comment from my idol Zed (Zoe). Whoooohooooo - someone (and not just anyone) knows I'm out there.

By the way I hope you are impressed how my links open in a new page. I thought that was pretty fucking cool for a techno-idiot like me to figure that one out. My grateful grovelling thanks to rhduncan (whoever you are) for the "simple HTML"

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

Monday, April 12, 2004

I BLAME IT ALL ON BLOGGER

So here's the thing. I had four days off over Easter and discovered blogging. Well, that's not completely accurate. I had run into blogging before but had never paid any real attention to it. I think I read a bum blog. There are in my arrogant opinion a large number of bum blogs.

Anyway, I was idly googling about when I decided to google twat. The first hit was My Boyfriend Is A Twat I read a little. This is brilliant I thought. So I read more about Zoe and Quarsan and the sprogs. I was panting for more. Then I started seeking blogs. There's over a fucking million of them! Most of them are putrid. Really fucking putrid. Unbelievably putrid. But ... some of them are fantastic gems. Some of them are worth the effort.

I blame it on blogger really. Fucking blogger has made it too easy to blog. I mean, look at me. No experience at all and here I am putting my opinions out for all to read. The opinions may be crap but the technology is easy. It is definitely blogger's fault. The reason there are so many putrid crappy blogs out there is simply that fucking blogger has simplified the technology so that even an idiot like me can blog for the world to read.

There will be a price to pay for this, mark my words, just mark my words TANSTAAFL

Your Pal

Haddocktwat

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